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Colyn
Guest
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« on: March 16, 2008, 09:28:13 AM » |
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Found this on the Wilddog site ...
It's terrible that we can identify with the following and feel the glee at the end. It's a bit like when you pass a cop that has pulled one of them over ,,,, oh, happy days!! (AM I TURNING INTO ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE STARTING WITH A R*****??)
You're going to enjoy this! It's brilliantly written and I think this
guy should be knighted, whoever he is!!! More drivers need to fight the
scourge of the lawless taxi drivers. The author deserves an award for this! His
name calling talent is truly inspiring and we have all been a party to the
experience............
This morning, yours truly, decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret and
highly professional canoe training at Emmerentia dam, before the first farts of
the sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and even before the
glories-of-mornings of all South African men could rise to view the
possible prospects of "before work" swims.
Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise,
tearing around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of pre-Duzi training
in order to wrestle the crown away from the well slow and soft Martin Dreyer
(present Duzi champion, for those of you not in the intellectual canoe mix) next
timearound.
Anyway, the details of my incredible canoe talent are not up for
discussion here, but rather what happened on my drive home after the session, in
rush hour traffic and, in particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue near to the Old
Parktonian Sports Club around 8am.
I was happily chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph, in
pretty much bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any faster; it was
simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone with a brain, with an
ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop of sense inside the membranes of
their cerebral hemispheres. You'd think that a creature without a brain would
equate to a fly or less, a category that includes mosquitoes, stones, anvils
and......taxi drivers.
Yep,enter Sipho "I'm a dickhead without a brain cell" Ndlovo, driver of
a Toyota Hi-Ace with 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no lights, half a steering wheel,
about 30 people inside and 3 masking-taped windows, standard issue for a South
African taxi driver.
He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last
month with hundreds of other taxi driver idiots protesting about having had their
'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy. The rocket-scientists
couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a taxi with a bobejaan spanner
for a steering wheel, or one without brakes (they reckon a handbrake is just
as good as the foot brake pedal).
Anyway, my mate Sipho decided things weren't flowing fast enough for him
so started weaving in and out of the traffic, arm hanging out of his window
like a baboon's tail hanging from its ring piece.
I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about 5
cars back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to avoid the
accident that he was trying his damnest to cause. After he narrowly missed the
back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me I made a stubborn little vow that he
definitely wouldn't be cutting in front of me like that, and so began
the fun and games.
The bum-wart first tried the standard tactic of intimidation, just
gradually cutting me off, in the typical "you'd better slow down and let me in, or
I'll crash into you" method.
Well, I used the typical "F_ck you faeces-brain" tactic, with one hand
on the hooter, the other pointing straight at him, with my foot firmly on the
accelerator, until he backed down like Mike Catt had done in 1995 when
Jonah Lomu ran straight over him.
This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling the whole way back to
my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all his well acquired
driving skill to the test and adopted the smartest technique of them all, the
"Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one that sadly has caused
numerous accidents in the past, including the untimely death of one of our
awesome mates a year ago.
This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra with a red hot
cactus lodged up its rectum. No skin off the f_cking taxi drivers nose, he
just accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in front
of me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle finger accompanied
with a few swearwords, something that made me want to beat the living shit out
of him and take a snap shot afterwards.
Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the
proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Ndhlovo in so
the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest to
outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist the emergency lane
was shortly going to end, with a solid stone pavement to mark its ending.
More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his 30-odd passengers were
all trying their damnest to "intimidate by staring" myself and the
double-cab man, instead of watching the road ahead something that most brain-owners do when driving.
I saw it coming, and was smiling my full-tusk smile even before they hit!!
Anal-bum-wart hit that pavement at about 70kph, 31 passengers bumped
their heads on the roof of the Hi-Ace in poetic unison, adding an extra
31 dents to the already-f_cked minibus, and the two front wheels were
ripped off the chassis as the bus slid to a delightful halt.
Thankfully no passengers were hurt, which made it the most fantastic
thing to witness. Sadly though, Sipho, arm still hanging out of the window,was
also unscathed. However, his car was more f_cked than that prostitute at PE
harbour named Deloris, and his mood was somewhat down-trodden.
I hooted and made sure he got the full-frontal of my biggest-ever super
smile, as did the driver of the double-cab, and then to my absolute joy, looked
in my mirror to see every driver behind me doing exactly the same!
The brain-cell-lacker had received his well-earned treatment! I was
happier than the Proteas when they beat the Aussies, or at least as happy!!
So folks, what a peachy morning it has been so far. The sun is shining,
it's Friday, I've done my training. There will be a lot of thirst quenched
this weekend, and Sipho, Faeces-face Ndlovo is one mini-bus short of a taxi!
Now that is justice....!
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